I have anxiety.

"Above Average Intellectual Functioning with Generalised Anxiety Disorder with Panic Attacks with poor health adjustment with poor emotionality with poor self esteem and poor self confidence"

These were the last few lines of my psychologist's report that I had picked up from the psychologist's clinic today.

This is something I have known for the past couple of years however this is the first time I have properly been diagnosed by licenced psychologists. I have been reluctant to talk about my struggles because I do not want to be left vulnerable and seem 'mopey' but I feel like this is a story that needs to be told.

A mental illness is not something that's easy to live with especially in a society that refuses to acknowledge that it exists. I have suffered from several panic attacks within the past few years. The most recent one happened only yesterday. There were periods of time when I could not bear to be left alone because I feared something bad was going to happen to me.

I have had several troublesome nights when I couldn't sleep or was bothered by nightmares or sleep paralysis. My life may seem great from the outside but it is often a tiresome struggle to keep my head above water when it feels like I am drowning in my anxiety.

Anxiety eats you alive. It makes it hard for you to function. It makes it hard for you to believe that you will survive. Horrible thoughts come and go and they often manifest in physical form.

The panic attacks are the worst and I pray that no one should ever experience it. It leaves you emotionally paralysed. Yesterday I had one completely out of the blue and I had no idea why. When it's happening it feels like the world is closing in on you. It was only when I got halfway to my workplace that I realised I wasn't breathing. It leaves you tired and devastated and absolutely helpless. Before you know it you are bawling your eyes out at your office desk because you don't feel like you can live like this anymore.

Despite my struggles, I choose to be positive and compassionate. I choose to forgive myself and others and be the best person I can be. It's not easy living with an illness but I am learning to cope a little bit better and make the most of the life I have been given because I know so many people like me who struggle with mental illness everyday. If you're like me, know that you are not alone and this is in no way your weakness. You're strong and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

TLDR; Mental illnesses are very real.

Self acceptance and being human

I am human; I am deeply flawed
I am human; sometimes I break down
I am human; sometimes I get scared

I am human; sometimes I feel lonely

I am human; sometimes I push myself too hard

I am human; I want to be more

I cannot stress enough how important self acceptance is. It has been a rocky path for me and I am sure it has been or will be for you as well. My relationship with myself has been tumultuous but I emerged victorious, basking in the rays of self love as I sit here typing this.

For many years, I had trouble accepting how absolutely human I am. There was always something that I wasn't doing enough. There was always a voice at the back of my mind telling me I should be more. More of what? I don't know. I did not allow myself the pleasures of being flawed. I questioned everything I did like I was a self-created parent for myself. My boyfriend used to joke around about how I was my own parent and it is true.  I was my own parent for all intents and purposes and it was up to me to raise myself responsibly. What I did not realize was that I was being unnecessarily strict on myself based on my fears and anxieties. I did not allow myself to fly out of the nest. 

I have held myself back from  many things in fear of what people might think or of a potential bad outcome that may or may not manifest. I was living my life on someone else's terms and it made me uncomfortable. I am not going to lie. I had multiple existential crises within the short nineteen years of my life thus far. I have questioned myself and my beliefs. I felt like an oddball that did not belong. Well, to be fair, I still am an oddball and I may still not belong ,but for me, it does not matter anymore. I have grown and learned and I have lived according to the knowledge that I have gained. I have striven to be a better human being and I still am doing that every single day. Life is learning, loving and growing and those are the virtues I never want to give up.

Right now, I am living a wonderful life. I am happy and content and I am achieving more than I could ever have imagined. It wasn't always like this. Only two years ago, I was in the deepest hell I have ever known. Everyday was filled with darkness and hopelessness. It was a trying time for me and I could never comprehend how I got the strength to dig myself out of that grave, wipe off the soil and start functioning. I do not give myself enough credit for how strong I have been or the things that I manage to do and I feel like that needs to change.

I am self aware; maybe not perfectly but it's a work in progress. I accept myself for all that I am. I aim to please no one but myself. I am sufficient on my own and I am an infinite universe of love expanding itself. I know what my morals are and I know what I need to work on. I know that I will never truly be alone as long as I have myself. I love this vessel I have in which I will travel through life. I am human and I accept it completely. You're human too and darling, you've got to love yourself.