I have anxiety.

"Above Average Intellectual Functioning with Generalised Anxiety Disorder with Panic Attacks with poor health adjustment with poor emotionality with poor self esteem and poor self confidence"

These were the last few lines of my psychologist's report that I had picked up from the psychologist's clinic today.

This is something I have known for the past couple of years however this is the first time I have properly been diagnosed by licenced psychologists. I have been reluctant to talk about my struggles because I do not want to be left vulnerable and seem 'mopey' but I feel like this is a story that needs to be told.

A mental illness is not something that's easy to live with especially in a society that refuses to acknowledge that it exists. I have suffered from several panic attacks within the past few years. The most recent one happened only yesterday. There were periods of time when I could not bear to be left alone because I feared something bad was going to happen to me.

I have had several troublesome nights when I couldn't sleep or was bothered by nightmares or sleep paralysis. My life may seem great from the outside but it is often a tiresome struggle to keep my head above water when it feels like I am drowning in my anxiety.

Anxiety eats you alive. It makes it hard for you to function. It makes it hard for you to believe that you will survive. Horrible thoughts come and go and they often manifest in physical form.

The panic attacks are the worst and I pray that no one should ever experience it. It leaves you emotionally paralysed. Yesterday I had one completely out of the blue and I had no idea why. When it's happening it feels like the world is closing in on you. It was only when I got halfway to my workplace that I realised I wasn't breathing. It leaves you tired and devastated and absolutely helpless. Before you know it you are bawling your eyes out at your office desk because you don't feel like you can live like this anymore.

Despite my struggles, I choose to be positive and compassionate. I choose to forgive myself and others and be the best person I can be. It's not easy living with an illness but I am learning to cope a little bit better and make the most of the life I have been given because I know so many people like me who struggle with mental illness everyday. If you're like me, know that you are not alone and this is in no way your weakness. You're strong and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

TLDR; Mental illnesses are very real.