Toothless at twenty one

After toying with the idea for several months, last week I finally decided to get braces. I have heard about the inconveniences of it over and over again but I was still left unprepared for the journey to come.

The first consultation with my orthodontist was fairly straight forward. He told me that he was going to put braces on my upper teeth, and he did. He then mentioned that I had to get four teeth extracted (2 top, 2 bottom) before he can put braces on the rest of my teeth. I didn't think much of it.

The day after the first consultation was painful. I skipped my college classes that day and I felt guilty about it because I hadn't missed a single class this semester. I couldn't eat anything except yogurt because my teeth were too sore for me to bite into anything. The pain gradually subsided. The very next day I got a tooth extracted. Four days later, today, I got another extracted. To be honest, I do not look too great. My mouth reminds me of the old witches from the books I used to read as a child. I cannot comprehend how embarrassing it would be when they get the rest of my teeth removed.

I miss my teeth but I feel like this is a good opportunity for me to redefine what personal beauty means to me. It is a chance for me to learn to feel good about myself come what may. I feel beautiful but I will probably not smile as much in public as I used to for a while.

I hope I eventually get over having four missing teeth. And I hope the braces will do their magic and fill those gaps pronto.

Eyna mareh nuvey

This is a new beginning for me and this blog. I would have started a new blog entirely but my boyfriend insists that my old posts were funny, so I'll keep them. Personally, I would recommend you stay as far away from them as possible. I am a completely different person now than I was before and I am older and slightly wiser.

When we last talked, I was going through some difficult things and I still am but I am significantly better at dealing with them now. And objectively speaking, and I don't mean to brag, but I have got my life together (for now).  After almost a year of trial and error and extensive soul searching that would probably not have made Buddha proud but would have pleased a pseudo spiritual guru on YouTube who drinks weird green juices and has a hundred chakra points, I have decided to start blogging again.

Bear with me as I stumble, fall and awkwardly stutter as I show you the universe inside my tiny insignificant human mind. So, my dear reader, proceed at your own risk.

TLDR; I am not dead.

I have anxiety.

"Above Average Intellectual Functioning with Generalised Anxiety Disorder with Panic Attacks with poor health adjustment with poor emotionality with poor self esteem and poor self confidence"

These were the last few lines of my psychologist's report that I had picked up from the psychologist's clinic today.

This is something I have known for the past couple of years however this is the first time I have properly been diagnosed by licenced psychologists. I have been reluctant to talk about my struggles because I do not want to be left vulnerable and seem 'mopey' but I feel like this is a story that needs to be told.

A mental illness is not something that's easy to live with especially in a society that refuses to acknowledge that it exists. I have suffered from several panic attacks within the past few years. The most recent one happened only yesterday. There were periods of time when I could not bear to be left alone because I feared something bad was going to happen to me.

I have had several troublesome nights when I couldn't sleep or was bothered by nightmares or sleep paralysis. My life may seem great from the outside but it is often a tiresome struggle to keep my head above water when it feels like I am drowning in my anxiety.

Anxiety eats you alive. It makes it hard for you to function. It makes it hard for you to believe that you will survive. Horrible thoughts come and go and they often manifest in physical form.

The panic attacks are the worst and I pray that no one should ever experience it. It leaves you emotionally paralysed. Yesterday I had one completely out of the blue and I had no idea why. When it's happening it feels like the world is closing in on you. It was only when I got halfway to my workplace that I realised I wasn't breathing. It leaves you tired and devastated and absolutely helpless. Before you know it you are bawling your eyes out at your office desk because you don't feel like you can live like this anymore.

Despite my struggles, I choose to be positive and compassionate. I choose to forgive myself and others and be the best person I can be. It's not easy living with an illness but I am learning to cope a little bit better and make the most of the life I have been given because I know so many people like me who struggle with mental illness everyday. If you're like me, know that you are not alone and this is in no way your weakness. You're strong and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

TLDR; Mental illnesses are very real.

Self acceptance and being human

I am human; I am deeply flawed
I am human; sometimes I break down
I am human; sometimes I get scared

I am human; sometimes I feel lonely

I am human; sometimes I push myself too hard

I am human; I want to be more

I cannot stress enough how important self acceptance is. It has been a rocky path for me and I am sure it has been or will be for you as well. My relationship with myself has been tumultuous but I emerged victorious, basking in the rays of self love as I sit here typing this.

For many years, I had trouble accepting how absolutely human I am. There was always something that I wasn't doing enough. There was always a voice at the back of my mind telling me I should be more. More of what? I don't know. I did not allow myself the pleasures of being flawed. I questioned everything I did like I was a self-created parent for myself. My boyfriend used to joke around about how I was my own parent and it is true.  I was my own parent for all intents and purposes and it was up to me to raise myself responsibly. What I did not realize was that I was being unnecessarily strict on myself based on my fears and anxieties. I did not allow myself to fly out of the nest. 

I have held myself back from  many things in fear of what people might think or of a potential bad outcome that may or may not manifest. I was living my life on someone else's terms and it made me uncomfortable. I am not going to lie. I had multiple existential crises within the short nineteen years of my life thus far. I have questioned myself and my beliefs. I felt like an oddball that did not belong. Well, to be fair, I still am an oddball and I may still not belong ,but for me, it does not matter anymore. I have grown and learned and I have lived according to the knowledge that I have gained. I have striven to be a better human being and I still am doing that every single day. Life is learning, loving and growing and those are the virtues I never want to give up.

Right now, I am living a wonderful life. I am happy and content and I am achieving more than I could ever have imagined. It wasn't always like this. Only two years ago, I was in the deepest hell I have ever known. Everyday was filled with darkness and hopelessness. It was a trying time for me and I could never comprehend how I got the strength to dig myself out of that grave, wipe off the soil and start functioning. I do not give myself enough credit for how strong I have been or the things that I manage to do and I feel like that needs to change.

I am self aware; maybe not perfectly but it's a work in progress. I accept myself for all that I am. I aim to please no one but myself. I am sufficient on my own and I am an infinite universe of love expanding itself. I know what my morals are and I know what I need to work on. I know that I will never truly be alone as long as I have myself. I love this vessel I have in which I will travel through life. I am human and I accept it completely. You're human too and darling, you've got to love yourself. 

A new beginning

Hello my beautiful readers,
I know I haven't written in a long time. I finished my A level exams less than a month ago and I am stuck in that awkward gap when I do not know what to do with my life anymore. It's an exciting time nevertheless. The past two years of schooling has been a horrible experience for me (not entirely of course) and I could finally leave it behind and move on with my life. There's no looking back now.

I have decided that I am not going to waste the six months of free time I have been given. What am I going to do? I don't really know but I am determined to step out of my comfort zone and grow as a person.

One of the things I've set out to do is redefine how I see the world around me. I'm going to the make the most of all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me and live my best life today. I know this all sounds very cliche' and I probably got those last few lines from one of those motivational posters with pictures of the ocean, flowers or cats or something, but that doesn't make it any less true.

I am harder on my myself than a lot of people realize. Although I am the kind of person who is generally supportive and accepting of other people, I find it hard to do the same with myself. I'm an overthinker and when you start thinking too much during a rough time, things can spiral out of control. What I mean to say is that it is a bad habit that I have tried to get rid of within the past few months and honestly, I couldn't be happier. Right now, I am happier than I have been in years and there is no way I am going to let myself become the mess I was a couple of years ago.

You know how sometimes a song can feel like a hug, right? Vienna is that song for me.
Sorry for being so mushy today. I just needed to get all that off my chest. Anyway, I'll be blogging a lot more from now on. This is a new beginning for me and I am very excited. :D

Ruru the Creep: A tale of street harassment

NOTE: I am posting this again because I accidentally deleted the original one which I posted around March. Hope you guys don't mind. :)

A couple of weeks ago, I went on a school trip to GA. Atoll. Although I am Maldivian, I haven't been to a lot of places around Maldives, so naturally, I was very excited about the trip. We got to stay at local homes with strangers and that was probably my favourite thing about the whole arrangement. We spent most of our time in Villingili and we made a lot of fun, energetic and helpful friends there.

However, walking on the streets was a tad bit difficult in Villingili. On our first day we had a random creep (whom we became very familiar with later on) approach one of our friends and threaten to break into her house that night. One minute she was walking on the streets minding her own business and this 20 something year old pervert with nothing better to to do with his life approached her and scared the living sh*t out of her. We ran into him again a while later and he asked one of our male friends what her name was, and in frustration she blurted out "My name is none of your f*cking business" and he concluded that he would show her what "f*cking business" is. By this point it was just plain annoying so we started to walk away and the guy (Let's call him Ruru) being the creep he is, followed us. But one of our friends was so pissed off by this point, she turned around and karate kicked him right in his butt. I'm not kidding! This actually happened. So in shame, poor Ruru walked away. Little did we know that we would see a lot more of him in the coming days.

The next day we all went for a walk and guess who we ran into? That's right! Ruru! 
Driving around in his scooter wearing a pale pink shirt, he was the epitome of male perfection... not! Anyway, he followed us around again complaining about how butthurt he was... literally. His butt was still hurting from our friend's kick. Somehow, by this point he had learnt her name. So a couple of days passed with Ruru making cameo appearances in our lives time and time again. It did not take long for us to stalk him on Facebook and gather up every single detail of his existence. (You stalk us in real life. We stalk you on Facebook. THUG LIFE!)  God bless Facebook.

Our last day in the island was a bit eventful though because this time, it was Ruru ft. alcohol. Yes.On this particular day, Ruru was drunk out of his already non-existent wits. That afternoon, my friend Raya and I decided to go watch the local school's athletics event while everyone else was out fishing. We honestly had a great time there until just after sunset. That's when Ruru and his friends showed up. He was so drunk and unstable I could have confused him for a skinny, walking and talking piece of jelly. He came dangerously close to us and kept talking in this ridiculous tone which we still like to re-enact when we are bored. Anyway he told me (whom he so very lovingly referred to as Wafa WAHEED) that he had sent me a friend request on Facebook and that I should accept it. And then he began to compliment Raya and I on how "fakka" we were ("Fakka" is his favourite compliment, btw.) and how he is planning to come to Fuvahmulah ("Forkland" for Ruru and anyone else with enough #swag) soon and how he has his people here. And he concluded with a perfect cherry on top, "Where ever you go, I'll follow you."

I'm not going to lie. We were scared. He was drunk, persistent and he was the creepiest person we had ever met. Luckily for us, we had a lot of great friends and they led us to safety. He followed us again twice that night by the time we had to leave the island, we were dead sure that he was not on the list of things we would miss about Villingili. From what we gathered, he wasn't even completely evil. He was just a young person with too much free time and no clue on how to interact with other human beings.

Ruru's weapon of choice

On a more serious note, the whole experience with Ruru was downright traumatizing. He may have been a loser but he was a veryreal loser. This happens everyday in the Maldives and we accept it blindly as the norm around here. It is not okay to harass girls (or anyone for that matter) on the streets or anywhere. It is not okay to go up to a girl and make some lewd comment about how you are going to break into her house or follow her around. It was so common there that nobody even seemed to notice at first. We couldn't walk around without some pervert commenting on our appearance or following us around or doing something ridiculous to grab our attention. (Which reminds me, Ruru tried to throw a sea snake at us once.) It did not help that we walked in groups or were accompanied by male (because you know, men are 'stronger' than women and whatnot) friends. When are we going to start teaching our boys to act like decent human beings? What I know for sure is that we don't need more Rurus in our lives.

Lessons from 2014

2014 is coming to an end and one thing I learned this year (that I have had a very hard time accepting) is that things don't always turn out the way we plan them to. If I saw this version of myself an year ago, I would probably have an anxiety attack and get myself hospitalized. But the thing is, I feel alright. Yes. Things are as far as they could possibly get from where I expected them to be, but it isn't bad at all.

I would say the biggest thing that has happened to me this year was turning 18. I was actually very excited about becoming an ''adult" but honestly, reality was a little bit disappointing. I am not doing any "adult" stuff at all, apart from managing my own bank account which I don't really have to use because -you guessed it- I don't actually have any money. The only thing being 18 has done for me is reminding myself that I need to start acting like a mature person now and that is a terrifying thought. One of my other 18 year old friends told me yesterday that she couldn't sleep the night before because she kept thinking about how she is 18 now and she is going to get old really soon. I am sure we are being very immature about this, but it's only because we feel like we are not doing much to make our last remaining teenage years count.

I am usually very distant from people. The mere thought of opening up to people and giving them my attention and time kind of freaks me out. So naturally, I suck at relationships. This year, however, I have been a lot more open to new relationships and I have met a lot of amazing people along the way. I think meeting and associating with different types of people has taught me a lot about myself that I would not have known otherwise. I am not going to lie. I have commitment issues. The thought of being stuck in the same place, doing the same thing for too long scares me. I always feel the need to keep moving and changing, but I have learned that staying still isn't always a bad thing and what was meant to happen will happen anyway, so there is really no need to worry about it.

On the academic front, this year has been a disaster of epic proportions. It is safe to say that I have given up and I know I have disappointed everyone who cares about me, and I am sorry but "It's my life, whatever I wanna do." That's a Vennu Mallesh reference, by the way. I haven't given up on my goals. I just feel like the path I chose to get to it, wasn't one that would work for me. I will never stop wanting to learn new things, which is why doing so badly at school feels like dying. YES. I HAVE ALSO TURNED INTO AN EMO FREAK ALONG THE WAY. DEAL WITH IT!

In general, this year has been surprisingly good. I have evolved (I am a Pokemon. What up!) as a person. I still need to work on the part where I act like mature and responsible "adult" though. For the first time in a long time, I actually know what I want to do with my life. However, unlike this time last year, I have no idea where I want to be the next year, and for some reason, that doesn't bother me at all. I have learned to accept that things don't always work out the way we want them to, but it will all be alright in the end. It's funny how we say things like "2015, be good to me." I mean, think about it. No year is inherently a "good year" or a "bad year", it is what you do with the 365 days you are given that defines what kind of year it is going to be, So guys, make 2015 a good year. :D